


Effects of the Past

by thesaltydragon, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 05:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13827903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltydragon/pseuds/thesaltydragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: (Bonus from chapter 5 of Fuck Mountain Two) Michael gets in between a fight that Rich has with a freshman, getting himself hit. This causes Jeremy to panic and Michael is desperate to help him however he can.





	Effects of the Past

The drive back to Michael's house was quick --- the duration of it spent with Michael's hand running up and down Jeremy's thigh comfortingly in an attempt to at least partially soothe his tears. When they finally pulled into the driveway, Michael didn't say a thing before getting out and walking around to Jeremy's side, easily lifting him into his arms once again. His mothers worked late today, so he didn't worry about having to explain themselves to anyone as he headed straight for the basement. He placed Jeremy onto the bed carefully, wordlessly helping him slip out of his day clothes and instead pull on a pair of sweatpants and one of Michael's old Pacman shirts. 

Once he was done, he pulled off his hoodie and jeans, climbed into the bed and pulled Jeremy to his chest. He spoke for the first time since they left the school, his voice gentle and soft. “What's a matter, Miah?”

It took Jeremy a long time to answer. He had to think about it, not to mention how he had to work up the courage to say it and then force his mouth to work in between sobs. “I-” He sniffled. “A-Are you okay?” That hadn’t been what he was going to say. He wanted to say he was scared. That he couldn’t breathe. It just wouldn’t come out. 

Michael rocked him slowly, running a hand through his hair. “Yes, Miah. I'm okay. Can you tell me why you're crying? Is it because I got hit?”

Jeremy nodded, then shook his head, then nodded again. The truth was both. “N-Not j-just that,” he managed to get out, another sob escaping his small frame. 

Michael continued his soothing rocking. “Can you tell me what else it is?”

Jeremy tried, but thinking back to it all made his sobs worse again. His body shook, and he was unable to get any words out. He wanted to say how fights scare him, and how similar that one was to what happened in the 7/11, which had left him borderline traumatized, what with the SQUIP glitching out because of it. But he was also upset that Rich hurt Michael. That went without saying. 

Michael frowned in concern, chest twisting painfully. He gently hushed the boy, holding him closer to his chest. “Hey, it's okay if you can't tell me right now. Just, please try to calm down, okay?”

Jeremy didn’t respond. He cried louder, ashamed of his own inability to even just talk to his boyfriend about his problems. He clutched onto Michael like the world was ending, and for him, it felt that way. He couldn’t get himself to breathe. 

Michael's heart ached as he felt his own tears prick up. Seeing Jeremy so upset was painful for him. He just continued the soft rocking, gently running a hand up and down Jeremy's back. “Jere, I need you to try and breathe for me, okay? Deep breaths, as best you can.”

Jeremy’s breathing instantly started up again, but now he was hyperventilating. He couldn’t keep the air in his lungs long enough to take a deep breath. The fear of passing out from hyperventilation made him even more afraid, which caused him to shake even more violently and breathe even faster. 

Michael's arms tightened around him as his hand moved to Jeremy's chin, pulling his face up to look at him. “No, Jere, I need you to take deep breaths. In,” he took a slow inhale in example, holding it for a second before letting it out. “Out. Okay? Please. I'm right here, I’ve got you. You're okay.”

It took him a while to get his breathing anywhere near Michael’s example, but Jeremy eventually got close. He was still crying and trembling, but his dizziness was going away. “I-I’m sor-sorry,” he choked out. 

Michael shook his head dismissively. “You're doing amazing, Miah. No need to be sorry.” 

Jeremy knew that was a lie. He was doing worse than he had been. He was undoing weeks of progress. This was almost as bad as when he’d gotten lost in the woods. “St-Still am.”

Michael nuzzled the top of his head lightly. “It's okay, Sunshine.”

Jeremy wanted desperately to enjoy the comfort and warmth Michael provided, but nothing in him could let him. He let out another choked sob. “A-Are Rich and J-Jake okay?”

Michael hummed in confirmation. “They're fine, sweetie. Nothing can keep those two down.”

“G-Good,” Jeremy replied. He wished he were that versatile. Instead, he was crying into Michael’s chest like a baby. 

Michael continued humming softly, creating some random tune for no reason other than distracting Jeremy as he allowed the boy to cry into him.

Jeremy focused on Michael’s voice and breathing. He felt himself calming down a little. The tears stopped eventually. 

Michael didn't let him go. “How are you feeling?”

“B-Bad,” Jeremy stuttered. He’d meant to say ‘better’. 

Michael carefully shifted him so that instead of being held to his chest, Jeremy was sitting in his lap where Michael could see his face, arms still locked around his midsection. “Will kisses help?” He gave Jeremy a crooked smile.

Jeremy sniffled. “M-Maybe,” he said. Now that he could see Michael’s face, he felt a little calmer. 

Michael chuckled, pressing soft kisses down the tear tracks staining Jeremy's cheek. “I love you, you know? A whole lot.” He pecked his lips. “You're so beautiful.”

“I-I love you, t-too,” Jeremy choked. He shuffled himself closer to Michael. 

Michael squeezed him softly. “Do you wanna talk about it yet?”

Jeremy hesitated, but shook his head. He didn’t want to think about any of this. Not yet. It was too soon. 

Michael nodded understandingly. “Do you wanna take a bath? I'm pretty sure I have some of those cool bath bombs left over from last time, but I left some at your place.”

“Y-You did?” Jeremy liked the ones with the toys inside. Last time he’d gotten a dinosaur. 

Michael nodded again. “I think we have a space one! Maybe there’ll be a tiny UFO in there.”

Jeremy’s eyes sparkled. “Really? I want a-a UFO…” He trailed off, contemplating whether or not he wanted a bath after all. 

Michael smiled to himself. “I’ll wash your hair for you, if you want?”

Jeremy looked up at him, peering into his eyes. “Y-Yes, please.”

Michael gave him a dopey grin, leaning down to kiss him softly. “Bath it is, then.” He shifted to the edge of the bed, standing up with Jeremy still in his arms. He had gotten very good at carrying his boyfriend lately. He shuffled to the bathroom, setting Jeremy on the sink counter. He stepped up in between his knees, pecking his lips before turning to the tub to start the water.

Jeremy sat as small as he could without pulling his knees to his chest. Michael still needed a way to pick him up off the counter. He still trembled, the occasional residual tear falling from his emptying tear ducts. “I-I’m sorry this h-happens,” he said, feeling guilty for how often Michael had to comfort him, especially lately. 

Michael turned back from where he had been bent over the edge of the tub, shuffling back in between Jeremy’s legs. He brought a hand up to Jeremy’s cheek, his other taking a moment to thread through his hair once again. “Jeremy, I don’t mind in the slightest. You’re human-- you have issues, that’s okay. I’m just glad I can help when I can. I would do anything for you, Miah. You could hit me with a truck and I’d thank you ten times.” He booped Jeremy’s nose lightly, smiling at him reassuringly.

“I would never hit you with a truck! I-I can’t even drive!” Jeremy absently wrapped his legs around Michael’s middle, holding him there. 

Michael shrugged, his arms dropping to snake around his waist as he stepped closer. “You never know, Jere. Maybe I’ll contract some horrible mind controlling disease and hitting me with a truck is the only option. Gotta stay open to the possibilities, dude.” 

“Well, let’s hope that never happens!” Jeremy tried to have a joking tone, but it sounded more worried and frantic. 

Michael hummed, eyes falling closed as he leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. Michael's nose absently brushed Jeremy's as he spoke. “I wouldn't let it.”

Jeremy smiled ever so slightly. “Good. I love you too much.” He was still shaking, but not nearly as bad as before. 

Michael nuzzled their noses together. “Me too, Miah. More than the universe.”

Jeremy pressed a shaky kiss to Michael’s cheek. “I love you so much more than that.” He took a deep breath. “D-Do we have the bath bomb…?”

Michael grinned, eyes still closed, as he stole a quick kiss. He pulled away slightly, reaching around Jeremy to a decorative bowl that resided on the counter. “Hells yeah, we do.” 

Jeremy smiled a little wider. “Perfect. I can’t wait.” He pulled Michael back to him, hugging him tightly. 

Michael smiled, dropping his head to rest in the crook of Jeremy's neck. “This is pretty sappy, but I think you’re proof that soulmates exist.”

“Who, me?” Jeremy asked innocently. He put his hand in Michael’s hair, which he’d grown to really enjoy doing. It was always so soft. 

Michael hummed in confirmation. “Who else? My sweet, beautiful prince. It's the only explanation as to how I got so damn lucky.”

“W-Well, obviously, same to y-you,” Jeremy said, reddening at Michael’s compliments. 

Michael pressed a kiss to Jeremy's shoulder in thanks. He paused, inhaling deeply. “God, I _love_ the way you smell.”

Jeremy couldn’t help himself. He needed something to laugh about. “That’s what she said.” It didn’t even make sense, but he laughed anyway. 

Michael chuckled, Jeremy's laughter had always been contagious to him. Not to mention incredibly adorable. Michael's heart always melted at the way his eyes would scrunch up, lips pulling into a wide grin. “Damn, I don't think anything I say could top that.”

“I know!” Jeremy joked. For a moment, he had forgotten the circumstances of why they were in the bathroom waiting for the water to fill up the tub. He just sat and enjoyed Michael’s soft expression. 

Michael gently grabbed the hem of Jeremy's shirt, pulling it up and over his head, discarding it onto the bathroom floor blindly. “Baths are so much more fun when you aren't alone.”

Jeremy’s eyes sparkled at Michael. “You’re right! And even funner when you have a toy to look forward to.”

Michael gave him a devious grin. “You always have loved your _toys_ , haven't you, Jere?”

“Yes,” Jeremy replied, smugly grinning. 

Michael's eyes narrowed, lips twitching. “I'm sure you probably have multiple, hm?”

“Oh, lots.” Jeremy nodded for emphasis.

Michael grumbled, pouting slightly. “I can't tell if you're serious or just messing with me, and it's really fuckin’ me up here, Jere.”

“Like a European author from the nineteenth century, I am leaving it ambiguous on purpose.” Jeremy winked. 

“And, tell me, What do I have to do to find out the truth?”

“After-bath snuggles?” Jeremy’s innocent eyes looked up at Michael, his bottom lip out slightly. 

Michael kissed him easily. “Is that a promise?”

“Yes!” Jeremy exclaimed. It was weird to think just moments ago he’d been crying in Michael’s arms. He’d felt so helpless, so panicked, like– Shit. The feeling was coming back. His eyes welled with tears. 

Michael kissed him deeply before the tears could fall, pouring his heart into the soft sliding of their lips. He used to opportunity to lift Jeremy off of the counter, hands hiked under his thighs. He stepped back, carefully letting Jeremy drop his legs to stand up, never breaking the kiss. Michael swiftly loosened Jeremy's sweatpants, but didn't move to undress him any further yet. He broke the kiss regretfully, huffing out warm breaths again Jeremy's lips. “The bath is gonna overflow soon if I don't turn it off.”

The kiss had helped, but only partly. Jeremy’s breathing was quickly becoming faster. “T-Turn it off, then.” He tried to take his clothes off himself, but his hands were too shaky. 

Michael grimaced, pulling away to quickly shut off the water before immediately returning to Jeremy's side. He took Jeremy's shaky hands, moving them to rest on his hips as he helped his boyfriend kick the sweatpants off. He hooked a finger under Jeremy's chin, tilting his face up to lock eyes. “Hey, focus on me, Jere. I'm right here. I've got you, and I'm never letting go.” He brought his other hand up to rest on Jeremy's bare chest, right over his heart. “I'm right here.”

“Y-You are?” Jeremy squeaked. He felt cold and sweaty at the same time. His panic was coming back, and even Michael’s unbearably sweet words couldn’t stop it. This was what he got for bottling it up and not talking about it when he had the chance. 

Michael stripped off his shirt as quickly as possible, leaving both of them in their boxers. He took Jeremy's hand, pressing it to his chest- right above his own heartbeat- desperately. “Stay with me, Jere. Focus on me, I’m right here. Don't let all the scary shit take over in that beautiful head,” Michael was desperate to try and stop the boy from breaking down again. He brushed Jeremy's messy hair off his forehead. “Look at me, deep breaths, please try to focus.” 

Jeremy tried his hardest to do as Michael said. He forced himself to take a deep breath every few moments, focusing on Michael’s heartbeat. It was a little quick, showing Jeremy that Michael really was afraid for him, that he really did care. He hugged close to him, so he could feel the beat in his own chest, as if it could tell his own heart to slow down. 

Michael took a shaky breath. “That's it, Jere, You're doing perfect. Just like that. I'm here,” he continued whispering soft reassurances to Jeremy, pressing hard kisses all over the side of his face.

Still shaky, but considerably calmer, Jeremy opened his mouth. “C-Can we do that b-bath bomb now?”

Michael gave him a crooked smile. “Do you wanna do it while we're in or before?”

“Wh-While we’re in,” Jeremy answered. He liked the fizzy feeling. 

Michael nodded, grabbing the bath bomb from the counter and leading Jeremy to the tub.

\-------

Jeremy sat on Michael’s bed in fresh clothes and fidgeted with the UFO toy that had come out of the bath bomb. He knew what was inevitable. He wished he could avoid it. 

Michael shut off the bathroom light, leaving them only illuminated by the soft rotating star projector that resided in the corner of his room. He shuffled over to the bed, sinking into it quietly.

Jeremy tried to breathe evenly. He was afraid of talking about this. He knew Michael wanted to. He picked at an uneven seam on the toy. “H-Hi.”

Michael draped himself over Jeremy's back, pressing a kiss the the shell of his ear before resting his chin on his shoulder, eyes watching Jeremy's fingers as he fidgeted. “Hey. It's just me, Miah. You don't have to be afraid.”

Jeremy decided it was better to begin the talk honest than to have Michael have to probe it out of him. “Th-that’s why I’m a-afraid.”

Michael frowned, eyebrows furrowing. “You're afraid of me?”

“No!” Jeremy cried. “No! I-I’m afraid of th-this conversation,” he admitted. 

“You don't need to be. I'm here for you, no matter what.”

“I know, but– I don’t wanna t-talk about this stuff…”

Michael ran a soothing hand over Jeremy's stomach. “If you don't talk about it, it’ll never get any better.”

“It’s scary,” Jeremy whispered. 

Michael hugged him closer. “I know, Miah. Sometimes we just have to fight through it.”

A choked sob escaped Jeremy’s small frame. “F-Fine.”

Michael's chest twisted. “Hey, if it really upsets you that much still we really don't have to talk about it right now. I hate to be the reason for your tears.”

“Y-you’re not. We- We need to talk about it.” Jeremy had mustered up every bit of courage he had. It was now or never. 

Michael bit his lip but nodded. “If you're sure.”

“M-Maybe.” Jeremy pressed himself back into Michael’s chest. “Y-You have to start it though.”

Michael hummed thoughtfully. “Okay. You said earlier that it wasn't just me getting hit that upset you. What else was it?”

Jeremy whimpered, but spoke anyway. “It- It was just too–” He took a deep breath, the first of many. “T-Too similar to the f-fight in the gas station,” he finished weakly. 

Michael paused. “Oh. _Oh_. Shit Jeremy, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think-” he grimaced, pressing a kiss to Jeremy's cheek. “Was that what scared you so much?”

Jeremy hesitated, a fresh tear falling down the cheek Michael kissed. He nodded, adding a quiet, “A-And you getting h-hurt.”

Michael's grip around him tightened ever so slightly. “It's okay. Just remember that I'm fine! And I won't ever let anything like that happen to you again.”

Jeremy was quiet for a while. Finally, he spoke again. “Th-The woods happened. A-And you promised that before th-then, too.”

Michael's heart ached. “I know, and I'm sorry I failed you. But I won't again. I swear on my life, Jeremy, I’ll protect you to the ends of the Earth.”

Another tear fell down Jeremy’s cheek as he stared ahead, eyes glossy. “E-Even after all I’ve done is hurt you?”

Michael cooed at him gently. “Hey, That's not true, Jere. Even if it was, my answer would still be yes. I won't let anything happen to you. Never again. I'm not going anywhere.”

“W-Well neither am I. And I really fuckin’ mean it this time.”

Michael grinned, huffing out a short laugh. “You know what? I believe you.”

Jeremy wasn’t laughing. “You shouldn’t.” He felt absolutely awful. He’d hurt Michael so much. His boyfriend shouldn’t trust him at all. 

“Too bad. Because you know what? You may have left me before, yeah, but _you came back_. So I believe you. You’ve done so much more for me than you realize.” Michael bit his lip. “I- I wish I was better at this--- with my words-- I wish I knew what to say to help you when you're sad, or scared, or nervous. I wish I could take all of your worries away and show you that I mean it, _really_ mean it when I say that you mean everything to me, and that I don't hold any of that past shit against you. Wish that I could explain just _how much_ I love you, the way it fills me up and overwhelms me, makes me feel like there's no way I should physically be capable of feeling something so _intensely_ that it feels like it has to be the end all be all of emotions, because nothing else could possibly ever compare.” 

He cut his rambling short. “I'm here, Jeremy. I’ll always be here, for you. No matter what- doesn't make a difference if it's something trivial or something so insanely life changing it feels like the end of the world. I’ll always be right here with you. Whenever you need me.” His hand slipped over Jeremy's, idly spinning the silver ring that resided there. 

Jeremy was crying for an entirely different reason. He sniffled into Michael’s chest, probably ruining the clean shirt he wore. He knew there was no way he could repay Michael, or especially say anything equal in emotional value. He choked back a sob, turning it into a chuckle as Michael ran his fingers over the ring on his left hand. “I-I love you so much,” he managed, knowing it wasn’t enough. He just hoped Michael wouldn’t mind. 

Michael smiled, holding him to his chest tightly as though his life depended on it. “I love you more than life,” he whispered, sniffling back his own tears.

Jeremy wasn’t in the mood to argue. “Th-Thank you,” was all he said. He could find a way to repay Michael soon. For now, he just wanted to sleep. And cuddle. 

Michael seemed to feel the same. He dragged Jeremy with him up to the top of the bed, slipping the comforter out from under them in favour of pulling it over their legs. He laid them down, never once releasing the boy in his arms. He let his eyes fall closed, one hand temporarily moving to put his glasses in a safe place. He buried his nose in Jeremy's hair, kissing his head lightly. “Stay with me forever, okay?”

Jeremy breathed evenly for once. “Always,” he said, voice low and soft. “I promise.” He meant it. Probably more than he’d ever meant anything before. There was no way he was going to make the same terrible mistake again.


End file.
